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Famous Funny Quotes and Sayings


Looking for famous funny quotes and sayings? These funny quotes add more joy and fun to your day and helps you laugh when you might be feeling down. Also since these funny quotes are from famous people, they have deep insights we can all get inspired from.

Here are some of the best famous funny quotes for you...

George Bernard Shaw
He who can does -- he who cannot, teaches.

Mel Brooks
I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.

Oscar Wilde
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

W. C. Fields
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

Jay Leno
[putting arms around Nigella Lawson] My wife is going to kill me. But you look like my wife, so that's Ok!

Jerry Seinfield
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

George Bernard Shaw
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Enjoyed the famous funny quotes above? Here are even more funny quotes and sayings for you...

Groucho Marx
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Friedrich Nietzsche
A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love.

Bill Cosby
A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome."
Short and funny quote by, Issac Asimov.

"Trouble defies the law of gravity. It's easier to pick up than to drop."
Short and funny quote by, Jonathan Raban.

"Nobody goes there anymore because it's too crowded."
Short and funny quote by, Yogi Berra.

"Why don't you learn from my mistakes? It takes half your life to learn from your own."
Short and funny quote by, Shelagh Delaney.

"Foolproof systems don't take into account the ingenuity of fools."
Short and funny quote by, Gene Brown.

"Middle age is the time in life when, after pulling in your stomach, you look as if you ought to pull in your stomach."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous.

More Famous Funny Quotes

Enjoyed the funny sayings and jokes above? Then you're going to find the ones below even funnier and more humorous...

"Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent."
Short and funny quote by, Issac Asimov.

If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldn't need a broomstick to cling onto.
-- Frankie Boyle

Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.
-- Frankie Boyle

A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
-- Anonymous

It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job: it's a depression when you lose yours.
-- Harry S. Truman

Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world's oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing - Gary Coleman is going to drown.
-- Conan OBrien

"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle." ~ Bob

"A lot of fellows these days have a B.A., M.D., or a Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B." ~ Fats Domino

"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby." ~ Natalie Wood

"In my house, I am the boss. My wife is the decision maker." ~ Woody Allen

"I never think of the future - it comes soon enough." ~ Albert Einstein

"I have nipples, Greg. Could you milk me?" ~ Robert De Niro in Meet the Parents

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." ~ Dean Martin

"If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of Spam." ~ Johnny Carson

"Some people ask the secret to our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays and I go on Fridays." ~ Henry Youngman

"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Ninety percent of the game is half mental." ~ Jim Wohford

"I haven’t reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife." ~ Author Unknown

"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." - after being told he looked cool.
~ Yogi Berra

"I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!" ~ Yogi Berra

"I am not a real movie star. I’ve still go the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago." ~ Will Rogers

"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice." ~ Bill Cosby

"Life is like a B-movie script. It is that corny. If I had my life story offered to me to film, I’d turn it down." ~ Kirk Douglas.

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." ~ Albert Einstein

"Why should people pay to go out and see bad movies when they can stay home and see bad television for free?" ~ Samuel Goldwyn

"Don’t tell my mother I'm in politics. She thinks I play the piano in a whorehouse." ~ Author Unknown

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying." ~ Qscar Wilde

"Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you." ~ Satchel Paige

"Lawyers should not marry other lawyers. This is called inbreeding from which comes idiot children and other lawyers." ~ David Wayne

"I am just trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." ~ Author Unknown

"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse." ~ Groucho Marx

"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height." ~ Casey Stengel

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far the Universe is winning." ~ Rich Cook

"I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend." ~ Emo Plillips

"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt."
~ Charles M. Schulz

"The trouble with the rat race is even if you win you are still a rat." ~ Lily Tomlin

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the Americas Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon’." ~ Chris Rock

"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry." ~ Bill Cosby

"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." ~ Hedy Lamarr

"A man does not know what happiness is until he is married. By then it is too late." ~ Frank Sinatra

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot." ~ Groucho Marx

"As I get older, I just prefer to knit." ~ Tracey Ullman

"Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter." ~ Author Unknown

"Marital freedom is the liberty that allows a man to do exactly as his wife pleases." ~ Author Unknown

"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight." ~ Phyllis Diller

"It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility." ~ Author Unknown

"It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt, and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off. Now I am afraid to go to the bathroom." ~ Rodney Dangerfield

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