Funny Marriage Quotes

Sometimes nothing is funnier than funny marriage quotes. Married life has its own humor, jokes, and amusing stories. Here you can find top funny quotes and sayings about marriage, family, parents, children, and men and women.

So enjoy these new, free funny marriage quotes...

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.
-- Shelley Winters

When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.
-- Burt Reynolds

Marriage works best for men than women. The two happiest groups are married men and unmarried women.
-- Gloria Steinem

The lovely thing about being 40 is that you can appreciate 25 year old men more.
-- Colleen McCullough

“The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.” -H.V. Prochnow

“I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it.” -Lyndon B. Johnson

"A man's wife has more power over him than the state has."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

“My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.” -Unknown

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
-Rodney Dangerfield

More Funny Marriage Quotes

Enjoyed the funny quotes, jokes, and sayings above? Then you are also going to enjoy these new and updated famous quotes about marriage and family from funny famous people. Enjoy!

"Behind every great man there is a surprised woman."
-Maryon Pearson

“They say love is blind...and marriage is an institution. Well, I'm not ready for an institution for the blind just yet.” -Mae West

“Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.” -H.L. Mencken

"A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished."
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." -Rodney Dangerfield

“No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.” -H.L. Mencken

“A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.” -Grace Hansen

My understanding of women goes only as far as the pleasures.
-- Michael Caine (Alfie, 1966)

All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER.
-- Dennis Leary

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
-- Carrie Snow

The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch the TV instead.
-- Unknown

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
-- Mickey Rooney

Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.
-- Woody Allen (Hollywood Ending, 2002)

Ogden Nash
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong admit it;
Whenever you're right shut up.

Bill Cosby
For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.

Patrick Murray
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.

Gloria Steinem
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

Groucho Marx
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

Page 2 of Funny Marriage Quotes >>