Funny Marriage Quotes - Page 2

Sometimes nothing is funnier than funny marriage quotes. Married life has its own humor, jokes, and amusing stories. Here you can find top funny quotes and sayings about marriage, husbands, and wives.

So enjoy these new, free funny quotes...

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-- Rita Rudner

In politics, if you want anything said ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
-- Margaret Thatcher

Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them.
-- Dick Van Dyke

For me there are only two type of women: goddesses and doormats.
-- Pablo Picasso

All women are good - good for nothing, or good for something.
-- Miguel De Cervantes

Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.
-- Marcel Achard

Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing.
-- Sean Williamson

A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after.
-- Gloria Steinem

You don't know a women till you've met her in court.
-- Norman Mailer

More Funny Marriage Quotes

Enjoyed the funny quotes, jokes, and sayings above? Then you are also going to enjoy these new and updated famous quotes about marriage from funny famous people. Enjoy!

“If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family.”
-Lawrence Housman

"Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women." -Marion Smith

“Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?” -Barbra Streisand

“My mother once told me that if a married couple puts a penny in a pot for every time they make love in the first year, and takes a penny out every time after that, they'll never get all the pennies out of the pot.” -Armistead Maupin

"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery." -Erma Bombeck

“I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.” -Lewis Grizzard

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." -James Holt McGavran

Agatha Christie
An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

Milton Berle
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Zsa Zsa Gabor
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Henry Youngman
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing… she goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Joyce Brothers
My husband and I have never considered divorce... murder sometimes, but never divorce.

Homer
There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye-to-eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.

Rodney Dangerfield
My wife and I were happy for 20 years… then we met.

Rita Rudner
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Ogden Nash
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets.

Lord Byron
All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.

Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Katharine Hepburn
If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead… get married.

Joyce Brothers
Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.

George Lichtenberg
Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up

My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It’s titled, “Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.”

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years

A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.

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